4 months in the Job, Started Feeling Nothing

Where am I standing, what to do and why I am living like this?

Questions after questions, can't search any answer.

I am in this professional world since 4 months. Right now I am completely surprised by the experience which I am facing past few days. Fear of being cheated from a professional partner. No such projects in hand, hard to find the hopes of surviving in the future as marketing is not so easy part and due to which bringing project in our hands is really tough to do.

I am already doing a job in a company. While joining I was so much enthusiastic and filled up with energies but now I fill like seriously I am not worthy for a job at this moment. I don't have any skill. When I was in my college I use to sit with my laptop and make any possible application which I didn't have imagine that I will be able to create. I was a master developer at that age though compared to professional I am not so good like them but though at such age I was pretty good enough to make something, but look at me now, I have lost my enthuse, my confidence, the possibilities which I can reach with my ability, all these has been lost from my head. I have started to believe that I am not good and can't be even.

From Developer to Tester, I don't know what I have lost in the mid way, and even I can't compare that where the gain is bigger than my loss or not. I really need to decide something, that what I should do? which path I should choose to walk on.

I am not getting time for myself, each day I am busy with some work or something which I really can't do, but trying hard to concentrate on it.
Where the hell is my concentration ?
I am dividing myself, my life, my time in more than 3 paths and ultimately gaining nothing out of it.

I think I was looking at the money which I am earning. The thought that suppressed me was that at this age of my life, my friends (colleagues) are earning 20,000 per month and me? just 10,000 that also with 2000 rupees per month traveling expenses. Ultimately I am losing the self respect due to which the desire to live is diminishing.

Floating ideas for startups

All the way in life we think of a lot of ideas, basically these are the ideas which are kind of a solution to a problem which we are facing or a community/society is facing.
Previously there was no such acceptance of these innovative solutions but with the advancement of information age we have seen a lot of examples where people came up with an idea and started implementing it. As a result few failed but the ones who had dedication and determination, they survived and made their dreams real.
Some such solutions are:

1. online service centers

2. online take a lift and pay (online hitchhiker)

I am writing these two idea as because this may help me in my future when  I would be recalling my ideas from my journal or blogs. :)

Fear of Cross-Roads

Basically there are two ways (minimum) after any decision we take like which way to choose. 
Prior to all these one has to collate down to a decision which way to choose? 
In doing so one will simply analyze a lot compare the options or situations after taking the decision and then
come to a final decision. Its really hard to decide what to do or what not to.

Cause to all of these above thoughts is just one, we fear to face difficulties. We fear to pass through difficult paths.
We fear from the bad times.
No one want to taste bad moments, and why will any one wish such, if he or she does then Psychology can be blamed ;)

I am doing a job which is hard for me or might be not meant for me, but still cant leave it and start the journey which I dream of, why? because I have a fear that if the other choice will be more bitter and unproductive then? what am I going to do? find a new job or try something else?

What will be there to back me up?

The choice to an undesirable path

In the beginning of a journey it really feels like so much energy and enthusiasm. We start walking with new hopes and discovering new possibilities in our life. It is same in all perspective like in a relationship or in a job.

"A man who is good in school will not perform well in his office" said by one of the motivator who was delivering a speech on being corporate. These lines can be implemented on me too as because I was not so good in my school or college. I use to bunk a lot of classes in my college days and at one point I seriously stopped visiting ;) there. I use to sit at home and work on my laptop I learn that world has gone open and had started to release documentations and tutorials openly on internet. Later the most wonderful thing which I saw was the sudden increase in video tutorials which seriously helped a lot to learn at negligible cost that is internet connectivity cost.

Suddenly then the college was over and I was got a new job. Previously when I use to stay at my home for skipping college, I use to develop application using different languages. I had a magic in my hand, any language I could learn in a week and develop a basic application by second week.

Now, when I have joined a company where I was appointed as a Tester, the first month was so exciting. But with time things started to change, I discovered that I cant test an application so well as I can develop it. Though with time I kept on dragging myself and trying as much I can.

I have always worked when I use to be at my home. There working was pretty different. I use to walk and thing, write a lot on copy or a white board. My comfort-ability was my creativity.
Here at jobs I have to sit in front of a PC on a chair for 10 hours. My productivity have became so obsolete and how I have transform from such a versatile mind to a non excited mentality just for 2 reason, the money which I earn in my job and second to tell others that yes I am employed. I fear to say others that I am sitting at my home to make the product or service for upcoming future because this is not the mentality of the citizens in the country where I live in.

Don't have much to speak, but truly speaking I know I am destroying my quality, it has been 3 months in my job and I have transformed so much that I really never wished to as this transformation was undesirable and this was not what I wanted to or even wished to. We are born as rebellion, I cant just sit idle on this chair and let me rotten in this way. I know this path was chosen by me which had led me to a path which was not for me at any cost so I need to save myself. I will find out a way and once I have, I will just sprint out of this undesirable path.